Childbirth is often described as “beautiful,” “magical” and “miraculous.” But the words “painful” and “terrifying” also tend to come up.
Needless to say, birth is a rich and varied experience ― which means it’s fodder for funny and relatable tweets. To sum up the good, the bad and the ugly, we’ve rounded up 33 hilarious and too-real tweets about childbirth.
— The Baby Lady (@thebabylady7) June 16, 2018[Giving Birth]
Expectation: Birth is a natural beautiful process. I will have a peaceful, gentle homebirth.
Reality: THIS IS WHAT DYING FEELS LIKE No wait, this is worse than death, SWEET DEATH EMBRACE ME oh God I think I’m birthing a semi-truck *muffled screaming sounds*
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 8, 2021
Who called it contractions and not birthquakes?
— sarah schauer 🦂 (@sarahschauer) April 18, 2019
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I once had an emergency c section. Wrecking ball was playing in the OR. I calmly told the surgeon that I can’t go out to Miley Cyrus. He changed the channel and Journey was on. “Great, proceed” that is the short story of 2’s birth.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 28, 2019
Mom talking to each other will go from “Hi, nice to meet you” to the most graphic child birth story anyone has ever heard.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 6, 2022
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Labor is that magical time when it’s socially acceptable for my mother-in-law to text me about the diameter of my wife’s vagin*.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 4, 2014
Being a Dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy-bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word hero.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) June 18, 2017
Nothing prepared me for the pain of childbirth... and I grew up with butterfly clips scraping my skull and Jelly Shoe blisters on every part of my feet.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) October 30, 2018
When you think about what goes down during labor, it makes sense why you shouldn't wear white after Labor Day.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 4, 2022
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2015My wife fell asleep in the middle of labor.
It's like she doesn't know the rest of us are waiting on her.
Pregnant women are the worst.
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My husband is over here like “pregnancy is magical!!!! Let’s have 3 more.” Okay you were chowing on chips while I was in labor screaming. Bye Jake.
— ᥣׁׅ֪ꫀׁׅܻ᥊ׁׅꪱׁׅꫀׁׅܻ ❆ (@mamahoodlife) May 30, 2019
Gyno was impressed when I said no to the epidural during labor, but seemed let down when I said I needed for later to deal with my in-laws.
— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) August 5, 2014
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 11, 2020
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) December 20, 2017Helpful tip:
No matter how true it may be, do not say the phrase "Well that's the easy bit out of the way" right after your other half has given birth.#pregnancyproblems #parenting
After giving birth, a mother passes the placenta, and also the very last shred of dignity she will ever have.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) March 22, 2018
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Every time I get the slightest bit insecure or embarrassed to do something, I just think about the eleventy billion hands that high-fived my cervix during childbirth, and I’m good.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) January 20, 2023
I just read an article on how to prevent poo during labor... this is what I've come to. #PregnancyProblems
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@xennial_mom) December 29, 2017
Make sure you tell your child of your baby’s due date so that you can answer the question “Is the baby coming today?!” over and over and over and over until the rage sends you into labor.
— Amanda Marcotte | Mediocre Mommy (@storiesofamom) March 9, 2021
— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) December 6, 2019My FIL just came out of the bathroom and said (in all seriousness), “whew, now I know how women feel after giving birth!”
And like, he was nice and all, but he’s now dead to me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2015Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
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I was in labor for more than 10 hrs with my toddler and she shows her gratitude by singing "there is no more penis, mommy ate all the penis" my toddler saying penis instead of peanuts is the motherhood gift I was given, blessed.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) October 2, 2019
Every Father's Day I let my husband sleep in and when he wakes up I remind him how painful childbirth is and how many hours I was in labor.
— yelisa (@beingyelisa) June 16, 2017
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) March 3, 2019[Delivery Room]
Doctor: Congratulations it’s a boy!
Me: [on my phone]
Doctor: Sir?
Me: Hang on I’m applying for pre-schools they’re ridiculously competitive these days.
— Just J (@junejuly12) August 27, 2018Me: I’ve been through childbirth, nothing can ever be more painful.
Paper cut: *evil laugh*
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) August 10, 2020
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"relaxing" & "staying active" seem contradicting, yet I'm suppose to do both during labor!! I'm tired but feel like I should keep moving.
— Jennifer Borget (@JenniferBorget) June 27, 2010
Mommy danced to Beyonce for about an hour and a half straight and contractions finally started coming stronger. FINALLY.
— Miss Shawn! FKA @thepbg (@MsCaShawn) October 21, 2019
Some people say the most unbelievable thing about childbirth is what your body can endure.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) August 26, 2020
I say it's how long your body can go without pooping afterwards.
I spent 13 hours in labor with my middle child before she was finally pulled from my body which is still surprisingly less painful than when I pulled a whole plate of old ketchup and ranch from under her bed today
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) September 18, 2022
Hear me out: a new line of pads for women who have given birth called "In Case You Sneeze".
— Ohio mom of two 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️ #BLM (@OhioMomoftwo) October 24, 2018
A million dollar idea.
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Can’t wait to bond with my wife and tell her that my booster shot is more painful than her labor
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 15, 2022
my four year old just asked me to eat the rest of her fries and i wept for suddenly the pain of childbirth was erased
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 8, 2021
If only childbirth was as effortless as sneezing out tampons.
— Just J (@junejuly12) May 13, 2017
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