More than ever before, we now hear the buzz words “self-love” and “self-care.” For some, the concepts may be clear, but many are still seeking clarity on exactly what self-love and self-care mean and look like.
I identify myself as a “Vocabulary Nerd” who loves to look up word definitions to deepen my understanding of a concept. So we will begin with my definition of self-love and -care:
Self-love and -care go well beyond bubble baths, a silent moment to yourself before going inside your home after a long day of work, or a cup of tea before bed. Although these are great examples of self-love and -care, they are only examples and do not capture the full essence of these concepts.
Self-love and care defined:
Self-love and care (n.)(v.): 1. To intentionally and actively offer kindness, support, enhancement, thoughtfulness, patience, restoration, grace, appreciation, and respect toward yourself. 2. To intentionally devote attention and efforts to enhancing and protecting your personal wellbeing.
So now that we have a clear definition of what self-love and -care is, let’s review some ways to put these concepts into action:
1. Make good decisions. By design, life is hard enough all by itself, so it is imperative to be mindful of how your decision-making impacts your quality of life. Some decisions can reduce life quality outcomes like financial condition, mental and physical health, and relationship quality, while others can enhance them.
When you love and care for yourself, you make strategic decisions that will enhance and protect your life quality and reduce undue burden, stress, and strain. Poor decisions that create avoidable stress, strain, and undue problems are a form of self-hate and sabotage.
2. “B” for BIG BOUNDARIES. A client once deemed me as the “Boundaries Queen” I chuckled at the acknowledgment, but they were right. I have grown into a complete understanding of what boundaries are and why establishing and enforcing them are so important, and I have become an expert in boundary enforcement. As a result, my life has forever changed in the best ways.
Boundaries are rules that protect you from behaviors of outside others that could potentially reduce your quality of life (intentionally or unintentionally). Boundaries inform others of what’s okay for you and what is not okay for you. Boundaries, simply stated, are the terms in which I feel safe interacting with you—if these terms are broken, our interaction will become limited or terminated. When we fail to establish and enforce boundaries, it permits low-quality experiences to occur in our life.
This often results in feelings of frustration and resentment that can negatively impact your inner psychological world, others connected to you, and the way you show up in the world. Boundaries are a vehicle of self-love and -care–they say, “I care about you, and I care about me too.”
3. Be kind to yourself. Many of us have inherited harsh internal voices of criticism and judgment from at least one place or person with whom we have crossed paths in our lifetime. The more you are exposed to voices of harsh criticism and negativity or the more you value the opinion of the person who spews the harsh criticism, the stronger the lasting impression.
Sometimes the impression is so strong that you adopt (internalize) hypercriticism of yourself as your internal voice. The harm of the harsh criticism continues, even when the external voice of harsh criticism is no longer present.
If you tend to be hypercritical and unforgiving of yourself—if you tend not to allow yourself to make mistakes, and when you do, you beat yourself down for it—stop! This is a form of self-perpetuated abuse. Instead, when you make a mistake, shift the narrative you are telling yourself about yourself and the mistake.
Recognize that you are a human and humans are flawed by design–perfection in human nature does not exist. Making a mistake does not decrease your value or worthiness. It simply makes you human. When you make a mistake, permit yourself to be human.
This means acknowledging your personal disappointment but also offering yourself kindness, forgiveness, patience, and grace. Hold yourself accountable, learn from the event, and commit to change that will prevent similar mistakes in the future. This is self-love and -care.
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Take Away
While there are so many more ways to practice self-love and -care, I hope the definitions and examples in this post deepen your understanding of these terms and empower you to make self-love and -care a daily practice in your life.
